SatScratcher
SatScratcher — pixel-art cat lockup on a tiled cat-and-claw-mark background
▌ A DESK TOY LOTTERY MINER ▐

Mine Bitcoin. Win (Maybe). Look Cool Regardless.

A pre-flashed desk toy that mines Bitcoin at a hashrate best described as basically nothing. Plug it in. Forget about it. Stay hopeful.

GRAB ONE — $39 How it works ↓

What It Is

It mines Bitcoin.

Real ESP32, real NMMiner firmware, real SHA-256 hashing. It shows up to work every second it's plugged in.

It (probably) won't win.

The odds are worse than terrible. We are being honest. Scams promise wins. We promise vibes.

It looks rad on your desk.

A tiny pixel cat lives on it. It scratches when it's working. It celebrates when it finds a share. That's the whole product.

SatScratcher: a yellow ESP32 CYD board in a clear case, screen showing the orange pixel-cat mascot next to a live SATSCRATCHER / HASHRATE 12 KH/s / BLOCKS 0 readout, sitting on a dark wood desk
THE ONLY SKU

SatScratcher

A desk toy lottery miner, pre-flashed and ready to plug in.

INFO CARD
HASHRATEBASICALLY NOTHING
ODDSWORSE THAN TERRIBLE
POWER~1 WATT
VIBESIMMACULATE
$39 shipping included (US)

What's in the box

  • 1× SatScratcher device
  • 1× quickstart card
  • 1× pixel cat sticker
  • 0× actual Bitcoin

How It Works

  1. 01

    Unbox.

    The device, a quickstart card, and a sticker. That is the entire contents.

  2. 02

    Plug into any USB.

    Computer, phone charger, power bank. About 1 watt. It doesn't care.

  3. 03

    Add your Bitcoin address.

    Join the SatScratcher WiFi network from your phone, paste an address, hit save. Don't have one? We wrote a guide.

  4. 04

    Wait forever.

    Some customers have been waiting since 2024. They seem happy.

FAQ

Is this a scam?

No, and we'll prove it: we're openly telling you that this thing will not win. Scams promise wins. We promise vibes. The SatScratcher is a real ESP32 Bitcoin miner running open-source firmware (NMMiner). It hashes Bitcoin the same way any other miner does — just very, very slowly.

Will I actually win Bitcoin?

Technically: yes, maybe. Practically: no. Mathematically: the odds are roughly one in three hundred billion per block attempt. The Bitcoin network produces a block every ten minutes. We leave the full calculation to you as an exercise.

Do I need to know anything about Bitcoin to use this?

Nope. You need to be able to plug in a USB cable and copy-paste a string of text. We wrote a guide that walks you through getting a Bitcoin address in 5 minutes if you've never touched crypto.

What happens if it wins?

We wrote a whole page about this, because we thought it was funny. Short version: the block reward goes to the address you set up, and you owe taxes on it.

How much electricity does this use?

About 1 watt — less than an LED nightlight. Running it 24/7 for a year costs around a dollar in electricity in the US. Cheaper than most hobbies.

Can I return it?

Yes. 30 days, undamaged, in the case. Shipping back is on you. We'll refund the purchase price, no hard feelings.

Is this the same as the ones on Amazon?

The board is similar. The firmware, the branding, the mascot, the setup guide, the quickstart card, and the human who answers support emails are not. You're paying for the thing and the experience of the thing. If you just want a bare board and can handle flashing firmware yourself, Amazon is a valid choice and we won't be offended.

More questions? Full FAQ →